suzyques's Blog

going to whine, and complain, and be seemingly ungrateful. 

can a person be grateful but unhappy?  unsatisfied?  

yeah, sure, you APPRECIATE it all.  but.....want more. 

is this being ungrateful?  even if you ARE grateful? 

whatever. 

point is.....

i feel like.....shit. 

like scum of the earth kinda shit.  this is about the same level my self esteem im always at, except when im with my guy.  which is practically never.  which is probably why im always so.....fucking pissed.  i really am.  alot.

and unhappy.  but the kind of unhappy where it feels like someone is squeezing your soul and kicking dirt on you at the same time.  that kind.  the kind when you do your best but its not enough anyway.  the kind when you finally get a minute to yourself to chill out with some music, and someone comes along to nag you. 

i think i know how unhappy husbands feel.  (coming home from a long day to a nagging wife and stuff)

and kari, FUCK. YOU. 

this is the only place i can ever say that.  but fuck you.  fuck you royally.  and on the day i quit, i just might punch you in the face.  and knock the rest of your fugly teeth out.  you hypocrital B I T C H.  the only person i KNOW who DESERVES that title, besides my sister.  oh and kiss my ass, for good measure.

id never wish you ill....but if i could....ID HOPE THEY NEVER EVER EVER EVER EEEEEVER PROMOTE YOU!  EVER! 

and ever.

ok im done. 

i fucking hate you. 

ok NOW im done. 

i think this might be part of coffee rage....not sure.....im discontent.  in more debt than id like, but working so hard my back is fucking killing me, but STILL not making enough, and still underappreciated.

that makes for a cranky employee.  and a apathetic suzy. 

i have murder in my eyes, and my headphones on, WHY IS SHE TALKING TO ME?! 

BACK.  OFF. 

for fucks sake, back off already!! 

i guess im angry today a tiny bit.....

i like reserving the rage for the blogs....



"And I don't want ya and I don't need ya
Don't bother to resist, or I'll beat ya
It's not your fault that you're always wrong
The weak ones are there to justify the strong

The beautiful people, the beautiful people
It's all relative to the size of your steeple
You can't see the forest for the trees
You can't smell your own shit on your knees

There's no time to discriminate,
Hate every motherfucker
That's in your way"

cause its always darkest before the dawn. 

i was gonna write this in a story but.....my mind spillover will go here instead. 

"Regrets collect like old friends 
Here to relive your darkest moments 
I can see no way, I can see no way 
And all of the ghouls come out to play 

And every demon wants his pound of flesh 
But I like to keep some things to myself 
I like to keep my issues strong 
It's always darkest before the dawn" 

shake it out 

im not sad but....im not sure what i am. 

see i had a lot to write but....its been suggested that i keep some things to myself. 

i really hate that. 

i came here to be anonymous.  free.

somewhere, the opposite happened.

anyway

ever feel your phone vibrate from a text when you're mid thought and you think to yourself, "wait wait, give me a second!" 

dammit, this songs echo-ing in my head and i cant get my thoughts right.

ever been happy that someones happy but sad that you couldnt be the one to make it so?

not because you WANTED to be the one to do it, (which is why youd be happy for them) but just because....you did more harm than good for them.  and that wasnt the way it was supposed to be.  i can guarantee you that.

if i was supposed to teach you caution...if that was my only purpose... if my only purpose was to teach you to not trust everyone, then just shoot me.  cause im a maimed horse and i need to be taken down i think.

im feeling....disappointment, i think.

i wish i had (metaphorical) brass balls. 

i wish i could tell my family, "ok fuckkers, this is the way its going to be.  you go this way, i go that way, and no fuckking whining, ok done".  break!

instead i stand here, almost 24 now, wringing my hands and....waiting.  for what, kid?  for what

if you arent going to do it, then its not going to happen.

it really is that simple

generally in all of life

im depressed.

sometimes....im SO used to it, that i almost dont even think of it.

i feel its normal

"im not sad, im my normal level"

my normal level is...not right

this was pointed out to me, when someone told me breakdowns arent normal

i wish....i had help.  i wish i had help.  im so....sad.  just epicly sad.  thats such a lame word.  "sad".  but i am.... that feeling.  you know that feeling of right before you're about to cry?  like when the floodgates are ALMOST open?  that point, right there?

right now, and every minute alone, i feel exactly like that.

when you're mind is distracted and all your energy is spent keeping it together.  sometimes i put myself to the backburner entirely and become an actress.  at work especially.  and entirely, 100%, fake it.

its so....bad.

its so bad and im drowning and i cant...get free.

why am i writing this?

cause honestly it doesnt matter.

whoever reads it cant help.  and i know that

id never do anything to myself anyway, although i should.  i never would.  and yeah, theres hope out there.  i got a guy, out there.  love, out there.  life, out there

the problem is that....im in here.

part of me wishes i could describe this....but then i think what would it matter?

you all know

i just wish.....someone was there

here

in here, with me

but i can only use WORDS to describe this.

and they can only speak WORDS back

and when it comes to this feeling...words are....

this blog actually went worse than i thought.

haha
thats what i say about alot of things

that week of not being at home really fuckked me over

it was TOO good, TOO perfect.  i was too happy

and now...being home....being alone....is the worst ive ever felt in my life.

oh well


 

i have suuuuuuuuuuch a fucking headache today. 

wont go away.  damn you advil!  useless fuckin lkrhgowh342

that actually almost looked like a word, except for the numbers.

im writing this because there is aaaaaaaaabsolutely nothing to do and if i stop for too long i shall go insane.  and we dont want that do we?

...do we?

maybe.

i need to spend money today.  why, you ask?

well!

see whats that thing called....shoppers therapy?  no, retail therapy!  thats it.

it truly does help me.

i just wish that everything i bought actually had a purpose.  sometimes i buy something and keep it in the bag for the next two months.  and then i end up taking it back.

sigh

ive gotten alot better though.  i dont shop neeeearly as often.  mainly cause im recovering from being BROKE.  why do addictions cost so much?  jeebus.  and no im not addicted to drugs

my mom just said....."that enrique inglesias...wasnt he gay?"

life sure is entertaining sometimes.

it just dawned on me that she meant ricky martin.

whoa.  bad bad.  i almost stopped and thought just now!  thinking is bad today.  distractions distractions....fuck i need distractions!

wasnt i supposed to do something stupid and crazy today?  ah yes!  yes i was.

what to do though,....

sigh.  i thought of going to the mall (fye) and buying some dvds but...fuck.  its one of those days where i dont want to be in public.  like, really really dont want to be in public.  fuck!  if i cant go outside then im stuck.

i wish you were here right now

can we drive away now?


"if life aint such a joke, then why are we laughing?"

 

weird mood today....cant tell where my thoughts will take me... 

wanted to tell people that i wanted to "go quiet" but then in the next thought i changed my mind. 

cant make up my mind today. 

there!  thats the feeling! 

man, ive been trying to peg that for hours. 

the undecided feeling.  except theres no decision at hand.  odd

yesterday i needed something out of my suitcase. 

so i lugged it out of its cubby hole, and i laid it on the floor, and i opened it, and i sat there on the floor.  i paused. 

and i thought about packing it.  sitting there on the floor with my suitcase, at midnight, staring in it.  i was going to pack it.  i was going to run.  i was going to run far away.

and whats more?  i would have.

if it wasnt for ONE thing.  this one thing.  the same thing that always stops me.

the boulder in my path.

cant explain any more than that, but there is literally something here that i cant leave behind.  im chained to it.  no if's, no and's, and no but's.  really, no butts, mine is flat as a pancake.

the groups on the side of my screen right now:

-i have a boyfriend in prison.  nope, but my sister does.  all of her boyfriends have been in prison actually.  its a trend.  all the cool kids do it

-i wtk your song of the day.  "running up that hill", by placebo.  if you want your brain in overdrive, turn this song on.  and you will go to another place.

-i want to write about love.  nope, id rather live it.  writing about love makes me hurt.  i miss him when im not with him.  sigh

-ive failed many times yet i continue on.  now THAT group i should join.  except..."i did not fail, i just discovered 1000 ways that did not work"

-i am the complete opposite of my sister.  truer words were never spoken.  i always thought i was adopted.  i still think that actually.  or she was.

-i want to know why there is no mouse flavored cat food.  who is going to eat a mouse to find out what it tastes like?  maybe it really DOES taste like chicken.  theres already chicken flavored cat food.

-i believe in ghosts.  im not sure.  i do and i dont.  i only dont because.....we should be haunted.  and we arent.  i find that odd.  and therefore it makes me doubt ghosts.


so many groups here.

i took my ring off for a few days.  well, 24 hours actually.  i couldnt go any longer than that.

i took it off because it kept catching on things.  one prong is bent.

but i kept adjusting it.  or trying to adjust it.  when it wasnt there.  like "phantom ring".

i have "phantom feelings".

they make me restless.

i need to be shaken


"It doesn't hurt me.
You wanna feel how it feels?
You wanna know,
Know that it doesn't hurt me?
You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?
You, be running up that hill
You and me, be running up that hill

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh..."

i hate thinking. 

this one song makes me think.  alot. 

just the music.....like swaying music...and the words make you think and its just...

dammit dammit! 

bad mind, bad. 

anyway. 

where to begin?  havent written in a while.  hows this go again?  boring stuff first or confusing stuff?  yeah, i agree. 

so, the thought thats circling my head is, i have a feeling it isnt over. 

this....path.  this thing going on here.  i dont mean just with me.  cant explain this one.  let me try though....

to me, things feel unfinished.  not everyone was happy.  and i thought that it had to be this way.  that we'd all just have to accept it.

but today.....no.  somethins telling me that, it aint over.  that theres going to be a better end to all of this.  i dont know what it is, and i dont know where all our paths are going, or even if they will cross, but something tells me theres going to be a better end.

in the end, everythng will be alright, if its not alright....its not the end. 

its not the end.

i dont know how long the journey will be though.  thats one thing i cant say for sure.... all i know is, is that this is the middle.

i dont know how war torn we're going to be at the end.....but i know that it will be worth it.  and things will feel right again.

im a realist....i dont "hope".  but on this one....im telling you...my "ideal" situation IS going to happen.  everyone will be ok again.  better than ok.  better than before.  i can fix this.

anyway

onto boring stuff.

or did we just pass that? 

shit

i tried to get off celexa.

yeah.....

BAD idea.  for right now.

almost thought id kill myself for a second there.  it was lookin dangerous.

but i made it, and im taking 5mg now.  gonna try to wean myself off of it.  its not bad i just dont want to fucking be on it anymore.

im looking over the edge again.

that point where a decision has to be made.

cant seem to decide though.

oh well.


"You live your life
You go in shadows
You'll come apart
And you'll go black
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what's not there
Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew"

ive found it difficult to use my voice today. 

and for the sake of perviness, i also find it difficult to say the word "hard" to replace the word "difficult".  dont tell me its hard, or i will giggle.  or say "thats what he said". 

sigh

seriously my brain today is just.....out of it.

it happens every once and a while....i'll be sittin there and just....blank.  i go somewhere else.  i saw this movie once where two people are sitting somewhere, and one of them has a blank look, and the other person says "where did you go just now?"  (specific movie details, huh.  im awesome)  i wish i remembered what movie that was from.

i dont know where i go though.  my mind just leaves my body.  it just.....shuts off.  and it takes quite a bit of energy to keep 'aware'.  like right now.  my mind is dyyyyyying to shut off right now.

sometimes i wonder how weird i seem to people.....really.

cause i just read all this back and...to my family, id seem completely bat shit crazy. 

that helps sometimes.  whenever i wanna know whats considered "normal", i just ask "suzy, what would your family say?"  and if they'd all scream in horror or have me committed, then i know its unnacceptable.

and these are the things that get me by.

sigh

one of the pictures we have hanging in our house is footprints on the beach.  i got it mainly because of the "footprints" story in the bible.  or a psalm.  or whatever the fuck it is, i dont know.  but you should read it.  in any case, thats why i got it.  i dont know what it feels like to walk near the ocean though.  and every time i look at it, i wish i had that memory, a memory of walking near the ocean, instead of the one that i get.

and i was checking out the "post" tab on ep.  didnt know what it was, so i clicked on it.  and its to make a story.  you just type in anything.  but i saw the word "I", with all the interchangeable story options, and i just couldnt think of one.  "I....what, i what?  i dont know".  but see, ive already joined that group!  oh well.

and these next lyrics are just because lily allen has a lullaby voice.  and i just couldnt help myself.


"Whenever you see me,
you say that you want me back
And I tell you it don't mean jack,
no it don't mean jack
I couldn't stop laughing,
no I just couldn't help myself
See you messed up my mental health
 I was quite unwell

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends
I found a light in the tunnel at the end
Now you're calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
And it's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile,
yeah it makes my smile
At worst, I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile
I go ahead and smile"

damn private blog posts. 

damn them straight to hell! 

blah. 

im only writing this cause i was redirected to my own ugly ass blog after NOT being able to view someone elses. 

WHYYYYYYYY do you guys make private blogs? 

why?! 

i will never understand. 

i wish that, when you clicked on a blog, and it was private, it TOLD you the reason it was private.  wouldnt that be cool?  like, "i dont want my ex seeing this", or "i dont want so and so seeing this". 

then again, why do you CARE if they see it? 

*taps mic* ah hem....i hate to break it to you guys but uh....this is the INTERNET! 

do you live with these people?  nope.  can they easily find you?  probably not.  does it matter?  definitely not. 

i mean shit, if ep is making private blogs, might as well make it so we can have private profiles.  then it can be like myspace and be deserted in a year and then EEEEVERYONE will be on facebook!  yay!  (side note, why do people like facebook?  it creeps me out)

i slept 13 hours today.

this is what happens when i dont set an alarm. 

one time, when i was about 15, i went to sleep at about midnight on friday, and slept ALLLLLLL the way until 5pm on sunday. 

but..

when i woke up, all i saw was that the clock said 5, and my sister was making a shit ton of noise, and i asked my mom "why is she being so fucking loud?!?!" and all my mom said was "wanna get somethin to eat?"  so naturally, i said yes.  as we were driving to this restaurant i noticed so many damn cars.  and when we got to the restaurant, so many people!  so i asked my mom, "why is everyone up and about at 5am?"  thats when she told me it was 5PM.  annnnnd my world totally flipped for an entire minute.  talk about being disoriented.  not to mention, i thought it was 5AM SATURDAY.  not 5PM sunday. 

that was a total head fuck.  and i had school the next day.  that weekend sucked.

whats funny is, she told me that when my dad was a teenager, he did the exact same thing.  except he slept from friday night until monday morning. 

when i asked why she didnt wake me up, she just said she thought i needed the sleep. 

ever since then, even on my days off, i set my alarm.  because i will sleep.  not all the time.  but on those rare occasions....like last night.  i went to bed around midnight, and slept until 1pm today.  cause i forgot to set my alarm.  and the only reason i even got up, was cause mia was crying.  had i been alone, god knows how long i would have slept.

this blog somehow got very random.... anyway.....


"Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And she said, 'we are all just prisoners here,
of our own device'
And in the masters chambers,
They gathered for the feast
The stab it with their steely knives,
But they just cant kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
'relax', said the night man,
'We are programmed to receive.
You can checkout any time you like,
But you can never leave''

sigh. 

life. 

what it does to me.  to us all. 

i get bitch slapped so much by life that i dont know who i am or where im going or which is the right way or if moving at all is even the right answer.  or if there even IS an answer.  the next step could be a minefield.  it could be a field of dreams.

sigh.

i got so restless today lets see....

i made a homemade topsy turvy out of an old wire hanger (dont do it...)

cut my hair into "layers" (more like chopped the fuck out of it) (dont do it...)

gave my mom a bun hairstyle and made her look like she was 10

watched so much fuckin youtube and got ideas i will never implement

managed to squeeze starbucks for a few more pennies

died a little more

i suppose it wasnt really that weird of a day.  just a total waste really.  apparently i will never be productive.  is this a pity party?  and fuck!  we didnt drink that champagne.

fuck fuck fuck

THAT would have made the day good.

god, i sound like my dad.   and crystal.  and the planet.

i think im giving up on this blog.  i really dont know what to say anymore.  days all run together.  and i was looking on "ihatestarbucks.com", and apparently EVERYONE who works for starbucks has the exact same problems with it that i do.

so, not even unique.  merely a cog in the murder machine!

i just dont understand. 

damn, i really mutilated this wire hanger.

as i was going on the hunt to find one, i went in my moms room, to the closet.  it used to be my mom and dads room.  and even though i was expecting to see it, its always a stab to me.  seeing all his ties still hanging on the walls in that closet.  for some reason, we never got rid of them.  just a shit ton of ties.  my brothers old army uniform was in there too.

sometimes, i hate memories.  well, always really, until recently.

but even the good ones....they're just a tease.

maybe thats how life subliminally motivates you?  gives you a taste of what you want, and then takes it away.

fucker.


"anyone can see
the road that they walk on
is paved in gold
and its always summer
they'll never get cold
they'll never get hungry
they'll never get old and gray

you can see their shadows
wandering off somewhere
they wont make it home
but they really dont care
they wanted the highway
they're happy there today
today"

i wrote something fantastic in my head last night but, alas, its gone now. 

and now all you get is tumbleweed thoughts! 

man i hate those.

i mentioned once that ep isnt a place for happiness.  and by that i mean, i have a hard time writing when im happy.  because i dont need to.

i like when the wind blows so strongly it makes the house make noise.  for some reason, thats soothing to me.

and my mom spilled some 'sweet pea' scented oil on the table yesterday.  so, the house smells very nice!

everyones left for christmas.  they all went to my brothers.  so its just me, and occasionally for about five minutes, my sister.  i can handle her in very very small doses so its not bad.

and if this is a tragedy, well im really loving this tragedy.

it is a bit lonely.....but id be in my room all weekend anyway.  sometimes its just nice knowing theres someone downstairs if i got too lonely.  someone who would take a drive with me.  oh well.

i should crank the heat up....just for a little while....and turn the lights on for the tree.  make it cozy and cheerful in here.  not a bad idea...

i feel.....light.

and every time i stop thinking, instead of being flooded with bitter memories, im flooded with the song "so this is love" from the movie cinderella, and i start humming.

did you know that movie was from 1950?!

thats when my dad was born actually.

he'd be 61 now.

old man!

im the youngest in the family.  the power went out when i was born, too.  and they say i was born ready!  came out in like 15 minutes flat.  someone told me though that i dont have the characteristics of the "youngest" kid.  but brian says i do.  hm.  i wonder who is right.

or maybe im bound to always be stuck right in the middle of things.  on a tightrope!  the balance.

ah well


"my heart has wings
and i can fly
i'll touch every star in the sky
so this is the miracle
ive been dreaming of
so this is love"

well, i didnt know where to post this so here goes another blog. 

i want to smash a glass bottle. 

the first line just reminded me of when ships used to go out to sea, they'd smash a glass bottle on the side, wouldnt they?  so yeah, id like to smash one.  just for the fuck of it. 

is that going to be my lifes motto?  just for the fuck of it? 

do i really have absolutely ZERO zest for life? 

could this get more pathetic? 

yes, yes it can. 

ah.  i see an envelope here on this table with my name on it.  looks like a credit card offer.  maybe i should get it.  and take all my credit cards and just..... flee. 

flea! 

and go somewhere.  do something.  figure out where the fuck i am and what the fuck i want. 

when hardcore things start to bore you, you got a problem. 

how does my sister do this shitt?  seriously. 

you know shes spent the last 11 years, AT MINIMUM, doing hard drugs and drinking and partying?

dude (yes dude) that shit is boring.  really fucking boring.

thats why i can go two weeks drinking daily, and then quit cold turkey for three months.  cause sometimes, its just plain fucking boring.

i sound like a snob of some sort.... im in a weird mood....

maybe im just tired of the monotony of life.  but even if i had some sort of death defying job and friends, its still..... life.  its still life!  how do people do this?

drives me crazy sometimes.

the groups on the side of my screen right now:

"i have been hurt enough"
-yeah yeah, we all have.  really.  pull the knife out from your back and do it all over again!  enjoy

"i believe the majority of people are mindless sheep"
-yeah but.....if the majority of people think that same thing....then are they, too, mindless sheep?  and arent we all, anyway?  what makes anyone different.  if we're all sheep, what does it matter if we're mindless or not?  cant escape being sheep

"i correct my inner voice if it tells me hurtful lies"
-doesnt the truth hurt, though?  and dont they say 'trust your inner voice'?  how do you know?!  oh yeah, ya dont.

"i have glasses"
-me too.  i fuckin hate them.  hate contacts too though.  sigh, lose lose!  lasik here i come

"i love ice squares"
-......what the fuck?  uh...yeah, me too...totally....


sigh


maybe later i'll take a drive.  in the sun.  i need more sunlight.  my boss asked me once, as a joke sorta, "do you like being pale?"  so i asked him, "do you like being dark?"  (hes black)

its a weird day indeed....



"Hey God, why are you doing this to me?
Am I not living up to what I'm supposed to be?
Why am I seething with this animosity?
Hey God, I think you owe me a great big apology

Terrible Lie
Terrible Lie
Terrible Lie
Terrible Lie

Hey God, I really don't know what you mean.
Seems like salvation comes only in our dreams.
I feel my hatred grow all the more extreme.
Hey God, can this world really be as sad as it seems?"

why wont this piece of shitt youtube load!!!?  fuckking a!! 

thats what i need right now. 

to let the rage out. 

ahhhh, right at home, here. 

right at home. 

im an angry ass person, you know that? 

i fucking hate, EVVVVVERYTHING 

everybody?  no, but damn close. 

im angry.  i dont know what tipped me off today.  or maybe i do.  but im just, angry.  i want to head bang a little bit and just, fucking scream. 

and beat the fucking shit out of this computer if this music keeps skipping.

and im out of fucking coffee and my mom has my car!  why does life suck so fucking much?!?! 

fuck fuck fuck fuck.  thats my favorite word.  i need to get OUT of here for five minutes.  need to breathe a second i think....

and now mia is crying.  haha.  wow.  life is a joke, i think.  wheres her mom??  oh yeah, people have kids nowadays and DONT GIVE A SHIT!  how could i forget?  silly me.   why would you bring a kid into the world?  do you know what you're inflicting on them?  next time you want kids, think of me.

might sound CRAZY, but SOME of us would have preferred not to be born!  especially to DICK PARENTS!

the point of this is, stop inflicting yourself on me.

to my boss, to my co-workers, to my sister, to anyone, STOP inflicting YOUR shitty attitude on me.   your life sucks?  welcome to the party.  leave me the fuck alone and stop making it worse for others.

im sorry.....im angry....

who isnt angry after changing a diaper?

FUCKK this!

dammit.

time to quarentine myself from the world before this poison spreads....




"Stapled shut inside an outside world
And I'm sealed in tight
Bizarre but right at home

I'm claustrophobic closing in
And I'm catastrophic
Not again

I'm smeared across the page and doused in gasoline
I wear you like a stain
Yet I'm the one who's obscene

Catch me up on all your sordid little insurrections
I've got no time to lose
I'm just caught up in all the cattle"

so drop me like a stone. 

im....unhappy, today. 

really and truly and its been a little while since its been this complete. 

im usually bored or hungry, mixed with depressed. 

but this time....no.  this time im not hungry, not bored, not tired.  just...unhappy.  so fucking unhappy. 

my heart weighs a hundred pounds. 

its kinda cold..i guess.  maybe thats the problem.  unfortunately, gotta get used to that for....what, the next four or five months?  time to steel myself.

in more ways than one. 

ever notice when true karmic revenge comes, you wish it hadnt?

there was this time i wished karmic revenge on someone, years ago.  i wanted them to feel the pain i felt.  i wanted them to know.  i wanted karma to go bitch slap them for me.

and then i forgave this person. 

and everything was fine.

unfortunately.....karma remembered.  and bitch slapped them.  hard.   and now we dont talk anymore. and i regretted it.  and i hated myself.  and i wished that i hadnt been so stupid.

yes thats very vague and no im not getting into specifics.

i only wanted to say....i feel like karma is coming for me.

and i wish i could look at it and say im sorry for the things i did.  that im sorry.   and please dont do this to me.

but thats not how it works.  

all the scotch tape and kind words that have been holding me together, are falling apart.  i feel lonely and lost as ever.  and i feel like pretty much no one i WANT to understand, understands.  they dont understand.  they dont understand just quite how broken i was.  

am.

always.

and the one who probably WOULD understand, is where the direction of the karma is coming from

ironic, eh?


"I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown.

I was a heavy heart to carry
My feet dragged across ground
And he took me to the river
Where he slowly let me drown

My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms

And is it worth the wait
All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand
Protecting both your heart and mine?

Who is the betrayer?
Who's the killer in the crowd?
The one who creeps in corridors
And doesn't make a sound

My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall"

im having.....a bad day. 

but, that doesnt quite describe it. 

everything is so wrong, so off with me today....that even my thoughts feel muffled.  i swear i cant even hear myself right now.  THINKING is actually taking WORK

whats wrong with me? 

my thoughts have shut off 

my mom told me i was quiet today.  shes used to my quietness.  for her to mention it is....weird.  but once on the ride to work, and then again after work, she asked me why i was so quiet.  i dont think ive said more than five sentances today.  i havent laughed today

i...cant.  the oddest thing ive ever stumbled on.  i cant laugh today.

whats wrong with me?

something is wrong.

seem to be trapped in my mind....but instead of thinking, and being caught up in thought, i seem to be a tad catatonic... this is, fucking weird.

and i want to sleep...i honestly dont want to do anything else.  i want to sleep for a long time.  i want to escape people for a long time.  i want to forget for a long time

i think my sister being around more is affecting all this.....i cant get away from her

god why are you doing this to me?

i never ask that question...except that i just did.  what did i do?

why cant you just let me go?

take me home?

god take me home

im sorry

im in a very weird state of mind...in case that wasnt obvious.  and im not even tired.



"A man gets lonely for heavens sakes
Was wondering only what did you do today
The world is spinning round to an old sad song

It's coming down outside like I've never even seen before
I fell into some kind of sorry state
But looking back now I think it's finally time for me to laugh about it
Get my things together and find something to say

Well I feel awful and I believe that time gets wasted in this misery
And darling I don't ever wanna come back home"

im a buzzkill. 

and i NEED music. 

i dont need to discover new stuff or play it or anything like that, i just need the sounds.  even if its the same song for hours.  i need my headphones. 

this whole "one pair of headphones for two locations" thing, is not working for me. 

this whole "stressing out for work but still being broke" thing is not working for me. 

this whole "life", yeah.... 

you get the idea.

this aint right. 

so irritated right now.  so.....FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

you know?

im feeling deficient.  im needing something. 

and its SO CLOSE.

ive been dreaming.  sometimes i remember them and sometimes i dont but id swear..im figuring something out the the dreams i dont remember and i get SO PISSED that im forgetting it.  theres something there.  i just cant fucking remember.

brian (my asshole manager) is leaving our store.  whats funny?  everyone else is so SADDDDDD.  and im so HAPPYYYYYY

for one day....i think id like to be like "everyone else".  whatever that term applies to.  id like to be that.  just for a day.  to see what it feels like.  im afraid id like it.

i want to do what they do
i want to see what they see
feel how they feel
think how they think
care how much they care
which is not at all

people are a rubiks cube and im.....

lost.

how can i relate to you when i have, 9 times out of ten, NO clue what you're talking about?

say "bubble" a hundred times.....

anyway...

i need a vacation
need to fall asleep without sleep aids
need to wake up without an alarm
need to stay in the sun for more than an hour
need a kiss

and then i really do think i would be....set.

sigh


"Now I don't hardly know her
But I think I could love her
Crimson and clover
Ah
Well if she come walkin' over
Now I been waitin' to show her
Crimson and clover
Over and over
Yeah
My mind's such a sweet thing
I wanna do everything
What a beautiful feeling
Crimson and clover
Over and over"

side note- this will be depressing, angry, bitter, probably full of swearwords, incoherant, boring, and depressing. 

so lets begin! 

i got like four hours sleep or so. 

and im pretty sure my one true self comes out when ive got such little sleep.  and you know who that real person is?  a real snarky bitch.  a pessimistic angry sarcastic selfish.....thing.

i dont like when i see the real me.  such an ugly thing.

im thinking bad things again.

god im so ....down, im so down at this moment i cant even think of anything to say cause the only thing i want to do right now is scream.

i want to scream and scream and scream and scream until my last breath is fucking finally out of me already and i can go home.  go to the only place i ever wanted to be.

where its warm and sunny and safe and

why does earth feel like hell?

ok ok, im done with that.  i gotta try and stop that.  need to be rational here.  im only thinking so negative cause im tired and the coffee is wearing off...thats all this is...im sure

sigh

i was working with gwen yesterday.  and she was telling me about allllll her lovely drug experiences.  i find it interesting.  i did roll my eyes a few times though

i HATE, HATE, when people act like just because ive never done drugs, i couldnt possible "know".  no, i dont know the feeling that drugs give you,  but stop acting like im a fucking idiot.  i know what each drug generally does, and i know their names, their real ones.  so SHUTTHEFUCKUP


she was telling me about how her bf wanted her to get "rolls" for him, and i was just like "what are rolls?" and she rolls her eyes and says "oh..i forgot, you wouldnt know, see, rolls is another name for ecstacy"

i was two seconds away from smacking her. 

if you know this type of person, the type of person who just thinks they are the expert on something, slap them.

if you're one of these people, slap yourself.  very very hard.

i cant stand those people.  im curious, so i ask alot of questions.  but dont act like you're fucking "schooling" me.  just answer the fucking question and stop being so damn condescending.  now i just wanna shoot myself every time she speaks.


and i hate.....everything.  i need to let that go.  is it just for today?  please god tell me its just today

i remember this feeling.  from before the meds.  i took mine today but sometimes...i think i need to increase the dose.

i do believe that if i can find a way to live....anyone can.  i dont know why i had to throw that out there i just...did.

its so cold now



"I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin


And if you have a minute why don't we go
Dont care but its somewhere only we know
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?"

im fucking cold. 

im so cold im pretty sure id be declared legally dead. 

how am i typing this?  im a zombie! 

and did you know that the CDC, (the fucking CDC!)  has started posting a comic about the zombie apocolypse?

im afraid they might be trying to tell us something....

i just hope i die before any of that shit happens! 

yeah the killing zombies with machetes sounds cool and all but i dont feel like living like a hobo in the towns police station, ya know? 

i like my cushy non-zombiefied life.

with food!

not scrounging around for twinkies.

anyway....

tommy at work was telling me that your zodiac represents how old you are.  and i wish id asked more about this when i had the chance since he jumps topics like a flea and once hes passed the topic he really never goes back to it.

but anyway, he said that it represents how old you are, cosmically.

when he said that, he implied that bascially, we're re-incarnated.  for example, aries is your first life, taurus is your second, capricorn is your third, etc etc.  (no im not sure the actual order they go in...and im too lazy to look it up...but you get the idea.)

i just cant rememeber what sign he said was newborn!  and i cant remember which life of mine this is.

but fuck.

i think this is only my fourth life or so.  even though it feels like my last.  and i dont want to come back, dammit. 

tommy said that you have to "learn", and seek out information.  to grow.  i mean, grow cosmically, not just in life.

which worries me cause.....even though im veeeeeeeery curious and nosy...i dont care about "life" things.  like...politics or "real life" things like that.  i care about peoples minds and things.  who they are and why, and how.  i dont seek information out about other things like tommy does.  he looks up conspiracies and news and blah blah blah.  THAT is important?

and also, when you learn about people, you learn it firsthand.  all of HIS information comes from things OTHER people have written.  things OTHER people put on the news.  OTHER peoples theories.

but supposedly hes in his last life here.

alright ive gone on waaaaaayyyy too long about this.  it just bugged me.  cant remember what even made me think of it...

i just hope when im gone, im gone.

one life is enough.



"im a new soul, i came to this strange world
hoping i could learn a bit bout how to give and take
but since i came here, felt the joy and the fear
finding myself making every possible mistake

see im a young soul in this very strange world
hoping i could learn a bit bout what is true and fake
but why all this hate?  try to communicate
finding trust and love is not always easy to make"

sometimes when i see things from people i semi-know, i wonder if they are talking about me because its seems as if they could be.... but the girl they're talking about is unrecognizable to me. 

does that make sense? 

thats not me. 

wouldnt it make sense if people didnt talk about you unless they actutally knew you?  that would be kind of cool.  well, really fucking awesome, i should say. 

you dont know me. 

im not saying im great or fantastic, im not saying im anything, but those blanks are for me to fill in.  what business do other people have in it?

ah, right, NONE. 

now that THAT is cleared up...im gonna try and move on...

bleh

today sucks.  im restless.  and unamused.  if i could sum up my mood in one word, thats it.  "unamused".  i just dont fucking care and i dont want to care and and im not angry im just.... yeah you guessed it

ive noticed that when you build relationships, you need explanations for your behavior.  you cant just BE in a pissy mood.  you need a reason why.  you cant disappear.  they'll find you.  you cant quarantine your mood from others.  it seeps.

always a reason why i avoided people.  i gotta add that to the list.




"the dog days are over
the dogs days are done
the horses are comin'
so you better run"

"i never wanted anything from you, except everything you had, and what was left after that, too."

warm me up
and breathe me 


i got babysitting duty today. 

which always makes me think, how on earth am i ever supposed to have my own children?! 

blech 

im sorry.  yes.  im a terrible person.  but kids are just.....

i dont understand them. 

theres these moments where i'll be playing with them like normal people would do and like peek-a-boo and all that other crap and coloring and then i swear its like this switch goes off and i come to my senses and look at the crayons in my hand and think "wait, what am i doing?"  and then i lose the mood.  and stand up and go back to my own corner of my own mind while they play.

sometimes i can lose myself but sadly i always seem to find myself again

such a disappointment

sometimes im free and then i remember

pianos and violins understand my pain.  if i could pick any instrument to describe it, it would be those.  how violins can bleed and pianos can be melancholy, and echo

anyway

oh, my sister is going to florida. 

hm, yeah if you blink, you miss it. 

things happen so fast around here that this is what i mean

why make plans?

everyone changes them

see i was thinking of all these scenarios about restraining orders against aron, her psycho boyfriend and how im going to keep him from coming in this house and ALLLL of these things, these plans, on how to get help

and then suddenly, my sister goes to rehab two days, comes out, aron is locked up in jail for selling ecstacy, and my sister is with her old boyfriend kyle, and hes taking her to florida, to live for good.

they're on a plane right now

this all happened in the span of....7 days.  yep, 7 days.

and now?

now everything is..... good. 

hard to explain but.... without my sister around, i feel better.  which is something else that makes me terrible.

i lied, when she asked if i would miss her.  i lied.  i wont miss her.  how could i?

i do love her on some level, we'll always be blood, but shes taken everything from me.  everything.  physical and emotional and, granted, i suppose i let her, but she took it all.  and i have nothing left to miss her with.

but  i told her i would.

sometimes dont you think that people need that? 

i might not miss her but i do look out for her no matter what shes done.  that wouldnt matter to her one bit.  but saying id miss her just....mattered.

its these reasons why i avoid people.   i really hate lying.

and god, its so cold in here right now. 

does anyone remember "cast away"?  you're probably immediately thinking of the wilson scene... but no.  thats not why i mentioned it.

the scene i always think of is the very very end.  where hes driving the packages around to the people.  and he stops at this one house.  and stands in the middle of the dusty crossroad.

i want to live where that house is

seems warm



"ouch
i have lost myself again
lost myself and i am nowhere to be found
yeah i think that i might break
ive lost myself again and i feel unsafe

be my friend
hold me, wrap me up
unfold me
i am small
i'm needy
warm me up
and breathe me"

son of a b. 

i just dont know where to write this.  i want to make a new story but it just doesnt seem to belong anywhere 

and i was never a fan of my thoughts being out in the ether anyway 

safe and contained in a blog is one thing.  right out in the open is another. 

ha, just saw an "i feel emotionally detached and empty inside" group.  

THAT is where this belongs.  thanks ep.  im still not putting it there though.  so, sorry. 

yep, saying sorry to a computer.  and sorry to everyone.  just, sorry.

lately ive been thinking.... (not that i havent had this revelation before) but ive been thinking, im too lost.  that id already given up.  i suppose its not really a sad thing.  i just feel....ghostly.

maybe i can increase my meds dose or something.  im just starting to think.... that some things in life can happen that ruin a person for the rest of it.  just break them in a way that makes them jagged.  and they dont fit with the rest of the world anymore.  and have to continue on that way.  its quite a burden.  and whether its my dads fault (i know it isnt) or my own, the "blame" part doesnt matter because..

im gone

and im trying.  and im gonna continue to try.  forever.  and whether that thought makes me want to cry or not, isnt important.

if i could just have someone put their arm around me while i sob for a while, maybe that would make it better.  i dont need to lose my shit, i just need to feel....like im real.

because as is, i worry.  im very good at ignoring it.  and i work.  which helps tons.  or harms tons, i havent figured it out.  either way, i can bury  this feeling.  and i can work through it and sometimes i think its gone, or that it could be gone but then....there it is

im sorry

more caffiene i guess

now i know why my sister does what she does

would be so easy

and sometimes....

sigh



"who will love you?
who will fight?
and who will fall
far behind?"